A Tabloid Look at 2009

WOMAN DUCT TAPES FAMILY TO CHAIR

BEAVERTON – Fed up with family members whose lifestyles take them increasingly far from home, Bonnie Gorshe found a unique solution: duct taping them to a living room chair.

“When I managed to get them all together for Christmas I had a little surprise waiting for them,” she said. Police called to the scene found Steve, Alex and Ian taped, full of cookies, and unhurt.

It is unknown at this time what pushed the wife and mother of two over the edge, but it is reported that husband Steve traveled extensively for business this past year, often overseas, and son Alex remained in Ashland after leaving college, a five hour drive away.

When questioned Ian said, “I still have a year and a half of high school left before college. I don’t know why she taped me, I haven’t even gone anywhere yet. I just wish my hands were unbound so I could play video games.” Alex attempted to negotiate his release by offering to come home more often, provided the gas was paid for.

Officer John Q. Madeupname had this to say: “I don’t know why they’re complaining. She could have used a hot glue gun. Those cookies are good!”